Wednesday, May 03, 2006

In Joy Disbelieving

I don't usually write about more personal events in my life on my blog. That's what my journal is for. But I've been pondering how to share my reactions to some recent events in my life on my blog without sharing the details of the event itself. So apologies, in advance, if the intro to the post is somewhat cryptic.

Throughout the season of Lent I've been worried about a particular matter. Very worried. Stressed to the max. A big black cloud hanging over my head. It has made the months of March and April very hard and very long, and I hate feeling that way - like I just can't wait to get to the next period of time. Life goes quickly enough as it is without us rushing and wishing it by. But finally, yesterday, came some resolution to this issue. Good news about the matter that had me so worried. News I hardly dared to hope for.

This past Sunday's lectionary text was not one that I found particularly inspiring, but in the wake of my good news, I keep returning to a phrase from the text: "in their joy they were disbelieving and still wondering." (Luke 24:41a) Ah, exactly what I'm feeling. My good news is hard for me to believe. I keep forgetting, actually, that I've had this good news. I've been in such a funk for so long that I keep wanting to feel and react as if I haven't had this good news yet. I'm not quite ready to believe that the news could be so good.

And yet, if I don't get to the joy part of all of it, my good news will hardly be worth it, will it? Now that I know the news, I have to live like I know the news. You'd think that would be easy, but it's actually harder than it sounds. Suddenly this uninspiring text is making a lot more sense to me! (After the fact, of course.) "In their joy they were disbelieving." But they end up going with the joy, and not the disbelieving. Can we do the same? Or are we unable to really believe the good news, and so unable to really live new lives? I'm trying to lean towards the joy.
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