Sunday, July 03, 2005

On Being a Pastor from St. Casserole

Via Dylan's Grace Notes, I just found this new blog, St. Casserole.

Particularly, I like these posts in honor of an anniversary of ordination -

On Pastor Spakle, an excerpt -
So, having said this, I give you the St.Casserole 27th Ordination Anniversary Coming-Up Sparkle Advice.

3. Make some friends with people outside of the church. I know this is difficult but you need people to relax with and say what you want to say.

4. Spend time without your preacher-self "on". Drop that facade so you won't forget who you were before you became holy. I'm not talking returning to the sin dens of your youth but many pastors have a pastoral affect which is stilted, pious, goofy with holiness and silly. Put that aside and don't be a twit all the time.

5. Ministry is tough. Ministry is demanding. Find humor where you can. Watch a silly movie. I suggest the original "Arsenic and Old Lace", "Airport", "Spaceballs", "Harvey".

6. Please do not try to bring the Kingdom in by yourself. This is a team effort.

8. Keep your devotional disciplines going. Read your Bible, pray for others, sit in silence, meditate, put yourself into the scripture passage. Pray and listen.

10. Get it wrong every now and then. Wear an outfit that doesn't work. Put on lipstick. (I write from my perspective so if you don't wear lipstick because you shave a heavy beard everyday, get a better haircut than you've had).

Then, Funny Moments in Ministry:

Preaching with my alb inside out. Didn't notice until later.

Seeing myself on wedding videos. Even worse than the wedding pictures. Thank goodness, weddings aren't about me.

Dropping the lids of the communion trays loud enough to make the organist gasp.

Hearing the organist hit single long notes during the service when she fell asleep at the keyboard.

Watching a man pick his nose during the entire sermon. Fascinating.... He didn't realize that I can see everything? Is this a benefit of far-sightedness or a curse? Discuss among yourselves.

Doing a funeral with a Baptist pastor who referred to the dead person by my name throughout the entire service and keeping a straight face.

Being shown scars, incisions, body parts by patients in the hospital. I am modest. I hope I never do this to anyone.

Having a hospital patient explain to me that her boyfriend's you-know untied her tubes during sex. Having to leave the room before I doubled over laughing.

Co-officiating with an Episcopal priest who had an erection while doing a wedding. I wouldn't have noticed but the bride was hysterical. The congregation thought she was just happy. I couldn't get through with that service fast enough. Top that for inappropriate behavior!

And Remarkable Things I've Actually Seen as a Minister:

Once in worship, a congregant was trying to kill a wasp with a hymnbook against the window pane. Windows were plain clear glass in the very old church. He pushed the hymnbook on the glass to squish the wasp and the hymnbook, wasp and window pane fell out towards the ground.

I heard something during the prayer and thought, what's that? It was an elder CLIPPING HIS FINGER NAILS during the prayer.

During a Session meeting, one elder SPIT on another elder. Not an accidental spray (which is gross enough) but hocked a louie.

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